we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
