Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
