i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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