matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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