i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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