I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
