Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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