Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
