sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
