So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
