Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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