My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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