in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
