I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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