Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
