Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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