i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
