The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
