Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this just has baby written all over it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
