I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
