dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
