i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
