On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Barsexuality is the new black.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
