She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
