literally had 100 drinks last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
