I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
