apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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