I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
