I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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