im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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