I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize