I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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