Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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