I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you had me at cake vodka
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
