Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize