The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
