You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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