we have pet lesbian snakes
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
