Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
