I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
