I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
