I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
