you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
