Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
