What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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