It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
