After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
