fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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