I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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