im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
