there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
