i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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