Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You need Xanax blowdarts
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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