This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
