I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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