your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
