A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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