it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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