Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize