Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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